Four weeks and counting

Another week has gone by.  Isn't it funny how time can slip by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time?  I remember our attorney saying that the day we were to meet, there would be 4 weeks until Jackson was born.  I thought, that isn't until next week, I have so much to do in such little time!  That day has come and gone now...and I'm sitting her with wide eyes thinking that I have under four weeks to get ready.  Holy smokes.

We did a few things this week.  Met with our attorney and everything was just right.  It was kind of funny because he wanted to let us know all the things that could go wrong.  He was talking about problems with the birth father, the birth mother backing out last moment, grandparents deciding to take a role and raise the child, ect.  I was just kind of like, "No, no no...you don't understand.  They are family now.  You haven't experienced the miracles we have.  Whatever happens, it will be because that is what we are supposed to experience and it'll be alright."  I did try to explain that everything would be fine, no matter what.  I think he must have rolled his eyes at me inside his head.  But when you've felt this peace, you don't question it.  Why disperse such wonderful peace with worry that you have no control over?

Roger also decided to gut the nursery...yay. (That yay was very sarcastic, just so you know).  Isn't it funny how men can find things that are suddenly more important than everything else that is going on...even if it is important things they should be worried about?  Anyway, in a way I am glad he has a project to work on that makes him feel involved in this whole process.  I've been the one to kind of set up the meetings, the paper work, shopping, etc.  Let's just say, that room is going to look amazing.  I'm very excited about it.

The best part of the week was meeting with Abby and Debbie again.  They were able to meet my mom and I got to meed Abby's niece.  She is adorable.  She just has the happiest, brightest personality you could see.  Very well behaved too.  They sure set the bar high!  Debbie and my mother got along like I knew they would.  We sort of paired off and had our own little conversations.  Abby loves mustaches and skulls.  We sat and talked about why and what other things she liked.  I just want to know everything about her so that I have something to tell Jackson when he's growing up.  He'll want to know things about her and I want him to know that I know his "Auntie Abby" well.  Abby has been looking for a dress and I found one that would be perfect at the DI for $30.  I just had to get it.  The face Abby made when she got it was awesome.  She even tried it on in the parking lot.  She thought it was funny when I admitted to trying it on and wearing it around the house the day before.  ...what?  It was a pretty dress that was all crazy fun frilly.  I am excited to extend our family not only with a son, but an Aunt Abby and a Grandma Debbie.

Getting things for the nursery!

Finding Jack

The morning of March 9th, 2015, I received an email that would change our lives forever. It stated this from itsaboutlove.org.




This message is for:

ROGER and Michelle S.
Profile ID: 32******

Hi Michelle and Roger,
My name is Debbie. My daughter, Abby, is having a baby SOON. We have been searching and searching for the right adoptive family for months, and nothing has felt exactly right. My heart is beating out of my chest after looking through your profile. I hope we can talk.
My email address is ***************
my phone number is *****************
Hoping to hear from you!!
Debbie


Wait....what? We had gotten two emails previously from itsaboutlove and they were both from agencies which we couldn't afford. This was from a real person. With a name! I read it over and over again looking for some kind of flaw. Then it clicked. HOLY SMOKES. This was real! My hand flew over my mouth as I started to cry. Someone had picked us. Someone wanted to meet us. My heart beat so hard that I felt it all over my body. My hands started to shake as my eyes blurred with tears. I couldn't believe it...and then I thought, ...oh crap. Now what do I do? I had read and researched about private adoption, about what to do when a birth mother contacted you, what to say, how to tell your attorney....but my mind was blank. I texted Roger...then I think I tried calling him 45 times. Why wouldn't he answer?!? I called my mom...then we bawled together. I started on an email back to this Debbie. I had the distinct feeling that I could be open and honest with her, that I shouldn't hold anything back. I felt such peace (even though I was friggin excited). I had no fear. I started on an email back to them.





Dear Abby and Debbie,

We were so excited to hear that you are interested in us. We would love to talk and get to know you and as far as you getting to know us, we are an open book. We also have an attorney so we are legal and ready. Judging from the area code on your phone, you are from Utah! We would love an open adoption if that is what you want as well. Perhaps we could set up a time for us to talk on the phone? My husband is home for lunch as I'm writing this, but we'd like to both be in on the conversation when he has a little more time. We would also be open to meeting in person. Feel free to "facebook stalk" us at https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10000907*****. (Now I'm all wondering what all my latest posts are...about the dog probably). You will be able to see a lot of pictures on there and look at what we've been up to lately. We also have a video on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4cFhHOCyyY. Is there a time in the evenings that you would like us to call? What day and time works best for you? Please feel free about asking any questions you might have about us. I also text if that is more comfortable for you.

With love,

Michelle and Roger.



She wrote back, I replied and we continued this a few times until we agreed on a phone call the next day at ten AM. Debbie talked to me about her wonderful daughter Abby and how special she was. The way she was describing her, I almost felt like I already knew her. I would have totally of been her friend if we would have met in person. Something just clicked and when they called, I felt ready, confident, and excited at the same time. I wanted to know everything about Abby! Her likes and dislikes, her interests, what made her happy and what made her upset. I felt this intense need to get to know her. The best part about it was that Abby was just as eager to tell us about herself! She was so open and honest. I felt no walls between our conversations even though it could have been very awkward.

The following days were filled with emails, a few phone calls and an anticipated first meeting on the 14th of March. It was going to be Abby's 25th birthday and we were meeting at the Olive Garden in Layton. Roger and I searched around for the perfect birthday gift. We called our entire family one by one to tell them the exciting news. Debbie was so patient with me as I asked her question after question. Abby texted me often and I couldn't wait to give her a hug.

While all of this was happening, we started making plans. Abby was due to give birth to a little boy on April 15th. So much to do! One of those things was to pick a name. We still had plenty of time to think about it...but we did have to think about it. As I was looking at nursery pictures on pinterest, I saw the name "Jackson." I had never...really noticed that name before. It never caught my attention until that moment and boy, did it catch my attention. Something in me just said...that's it. That is his name. Now, Roger and I have always liked the name Treyson. I even put up a stink when my sister in law wanted to name their son Trey. It was our name! It was reserved! ...But Jackson, I couldn't get it out of my head. Not only that, but Abby had nicknamed the baby 'Jack Skelington' because of what he looked like in his ultrasound. One day, I was driving Roger to work when I thought I'd bring it up. "So, I have to ask you something odd. What do you think of the name Jackson?" He looked over at me like I had purple ooze running out of my nose and ears. "That's weird." He said. "That name has been in my mind since yesterday." If there was ever divine intervention, that was it!


On march 14, we finally met. I recognized them as soon as I saw them. It was as if we were old friends meeting up once again. We talked about Abby, what she loved and hated. It was so weird how Abby was so much like us. She loved girly things and animals as I did. But she also enjoyed horror movies and weird...metal music like Roger. (I never understood that, lol) She liked to do crazy things with her hair like I used to! We just clicked! Debbie reminded me of my mom so much. Just her mannerisms and how she rolled her eyes when Abby talked about shaving her hair. My mom gave that look many times before. Abby was so open about her past and her struggles. She held nothing back which was one reason I just fell in love with her. I've always been known for not having a filter between my brain and my mouth. Here was a girl that would accept whatever popped out of my mouth, no matter how strange. Abby was so non-judgmental and loving. I think if I had a blue nose and green eyebrows, she would be just as eager to be my friend. She understood what it was like to struggle and it didn't bother her if anyone knew about it or if others struggled as well. She had such a big heart. One of the things that I just loved about her was how she put on this presence of being tough. She liked hard music, horror movies, she had been through such hard times. She wanted to get a tattoo. Now when I think of someone getting a tattoo, I think, oh man, that has to hurt. They have to be super tough. But was it a tattoo of a skull? Flames? A dragon? No...a kitten. Someone so tough had such a soft heart. She lost a kitten and wanted to remember it by getting a tattoo of it.


There have been many times where I've thought to myself how I could be so lucky? How could I have been picked? Picked by a family that so perfectly fit into our family? We have been blessed in so many ways, I cannot explain with words. The biggest blessing of all is the feeling of peace in my heart. Everything was going to turn out the way it should. I have only had that feeling twice in my life. Once was when I asked the Lord if He wanted me to serve a mission. The other time was when I was being married to Roger. I have never felt such a feeling of peace and rightness. There is no other feeling quite like it.

Before adoption

I don't really see myself as a 'blogger' type.  I don't have any skills when it comes to writing that others might enjoy.  They only writing I ever really do is in my journal and the occasional BS paper I had to write for a class.  It was an idea given to me by a dear friend that perhaps as Roger and I go through this adoption process, we record it and the life of our future child.  I can't promise any tear jerking stories or amazing revelations, but simple thoughts and a record of our lives in a digital world. Some of the experiences I share are very personal.  I hope to just write what I feel is right (haha...get it?) Perhaps I should start off by introducing my husband and myself.

This is a picture of Roger and me.  We aren't much to look at but we sure do love looking at each other.  In August, we will be married for 5 years.  It's been a good five years filled with happiness, trials, and love.  We are surrounded by loving family and friends that make life what it is...wonderful.  

About 3 months after we were married, we decided that it was high time that we try for some mini versions of ourselves.  We couldn't wait to get started on this huge family that we were going to have.  3 months passed.  Then 6 months.  We really started to get worried after a year so we started with the tests and procedures to help us along and find out why I wasn't getting pregnant.  What really amazed me through this whole process, were how many invasive procedures the medical world could come up with.  A poke here, a prod there, and no real results.  Such expensive tests showed little or no results.  After a few years, and after doing what we could, we tried out hand at IVF.

My meds and needles finally arrive in the mail!  I was so excited to get started!  (This is at the beginning.  Near the end and when the big needles came along, I was not as excited as I once was)

 Hospital gowns are so sexy, don't you think?

Here are our two little embryos.  Aren't they just so cute?!?  Out of all the eggs I could produce (5), only three developed and only 2 were healthy enough for transplant.  This was after 2 previous tries at IVF.  I could never get enough eggs developed!

The very attractive view of a woman in stirrups.  How comfy.  I didn't really care though, they had me on some pretty fun happy pills.  I didn't have a care in the world.

After the transfer procedure, I had to be on bed rest for at least 4 days.  On day 10 after the transplant, I got to go in and get my blood drawn to see if I was pregnant.  Later that afternoon, I got the determining phone call from the doctor's office.  We were not pregnant.  It was our last try and our last chance of having our own children.  After 2 years of treatment, we were not successful.  It was hard to take for both of us and we both had to grieve the loss of that dream.

For anyone that really knows Roger and me, knows that we are a positive couple.  We always find something to smile about.  Even though our attempt at having our own kids ended in failure, we grew as a couple and came closer.  It brought our families together.  I remember the miracles that we experienced along the way.  My parents were always there both emotionally and financially.  We felt the love of our brothers and sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, ect.  We didn't advertise to many the intimate details of our journey (Like I"m doing here), but they prayed for us and fasted for us.  I still remember my big brother and his family because I had to have a minor surgery to remove some polyps.   I'll never forget how much love we felt during this time.  I wanted that for a child of our own.  I wanted to show a child what a loving family was like, how we could pull together, and to fill their lives with possibilities to succeed in life.  Even though I know we won't be the perfect parents.  We can't give a child a perfect life without trial or hardships.  But we can show love and what it's like to be surrounded and supported by family.  When we were ready, we started the journey to adoption.

It took about 9 months to get all our adoption papers, classes, and inspections complete.  It took a long time in my book.  I was ready for kids now!   I also knew we were running out of time.  LDS family services were cancelling their adoption services.  They were our only chance of adopting because of their lower cost.  We didn't have $30,000 for an agency.  We completed our home study in October and we waited.  December 1st was the last day for help from LDSFS and it came and went quietly.

"Now what?"  We weren't sure what to do.  December was filled with lost dreams and problems.  We ran into some financial problems, I was struggling with my health due to Colitis and Anxiety issues.  It was a wonderful Christmas, but difficult at the same time.  Yet another Christmas had come and gone without a child in our family.  But we had family surrounding us and we had Penny, a dog we adopted almost a year before.  Roger's family was able to travel and stay with us during the holidays.  Even though we were surrounded by family, we felt as if we were missing a major piece of the puzzle.

Wow....could such an attractive dog exist?!?  Look at that mug...gawww.

The new year, we were able to get back on our feet and start a fresh.  We advertised, we made business cards, we sent letters, anything to let anyone know we were adopting.  We were on the right track again financially and emotionally.  Even though we advertised, we didn't expect anything.  We planned the next four years out to focus on school, our jobs, and saving money so we could get to an agency.  I have to admit, I hated the idea of waiting 4 years for our family to grow.  Roger was thirty and I was 29...but what else could I have done.  ...little did I know.